Though there’s quite a list of things I would like to post about, today I just sit here in silence, letting my thoughts run free. Probably the only thing about me able to run around freely at this moment. Listening to my dog sleeping soundly beside me. Listening to the rain outside. Trying to put my feet up somehow on the chair I’m sitting on, wishing Liv’s little chair 2 meters away from me were a little bit closer, I could put them up on it. I will probably stand up and go get it in a while, but for this moment my pregnant body is too tired to move. So I let it rest for a moment longer.
One month to go. That is the mantra I am telling myself these days. Although I am not sure if I’m rather looking forward to getting rid of this big, tired, aching body I am dragging around these days, or more dreading all the changes it will bring to our humble little household.
No, of course, none of it will matter once I will hold that little (kicking monster) thing in my arms, which is still growing inside me. I know that already. I still remember how it felt when Liv was born. I still remember how it felt to loose a child. Any discomfort now is better than that.
Still, the only thing I can think of right now is, how tired I am. How many things I would like to do, to sort out, to make… Yet, I am sitting here not doing any of it.
In the wilderness, (some) animals that are pregnant and their time is coming, tend to leave the pack and find a place on their own to give birth. (Or so I’ve heard or read somewhere.) That’s how I’m feeling these days. Not sure what it means or if it’s just a natural instinct telling me this pregnancy is coming to an end soon.
Funny enough, I had no such feelings when I was pregnant for the first time with Liv. Or I don’t remember anything like it. But then again, I was home alone a lot that time and on the contrary I had to go out to be even with my husband, who is often working late into the night in our teahouse as long as there are customers.
In the meanwhile this time around I’m running around an (almost) 3 year old, trying to take care of every of her needs, having to entertain her, finding her activities, going out each day, meeting with other people (so she would not get sick of me) and so on. I’m literally around her 24/7. With little to no help most days.
I probably shouldn’t wonder I’m so tired these days. Truth is, my body does not handle it very well right now. And neither does my mind sometimes. It may sound harsh, but I just don’t feel like playing with her a lot these days. Or going out with her to places where there are a lot of people. I just want to hide in my cave. Also, I feel like I’m not enough for her plays right now anymore. But she so desperately wants me (or someone) to play with her. And she requires someone who can play and MOVE more than I can right now.
Doesn’t mean I love her any less of course. She’s still the light of my life.
Oh well, enough. I don’t want it to sound too much like self-pity. Just had to let my mind go a bit and ventilate a few things, I guess. A bit of my tiredness. A bit of my frustrations these days.